There is a voice within us all, whether it be the devil and angel upon our shoulders or the talking chipmunks in our heads telling us what to do.
Goddess Evelyn is just and more, then that and I call her a goddess, because I call myself a goddess, because she is the other half of me. The one who keeps me insane, but alive just enough to avoid the sting of fire upon my skin. She can keep me from harm and help me sleep, but also is awake when my eyes are closed, watching, waiting. If there is intruder she knows about it and jolts me awake to make sure I grab the fury within her to make her one with me.
That is not how it began, you do not understand, how it all began with her.
So, then, I will tell you.
It’s a short story, that I can make long if I choose. There will be other times where I rant four pages about small subjects, so I will leave this to a smaller explanation.
I figured she existed when I heard voices telling me what to do, how to not fall apart. As you will find out, I’ve had a traumatic life and I’m only eighteen. I will get to that. Some other days…you will hear my words upon my past. I went to psychiatrists, scared them with my ‘ability’ and made them run away. It wasn’t my ability that I was showing them, it was Evelyn’s.
There is a boy in a blue shirt about to get hit by a white car outside this very window, I said. The grey haired man with a feather earing and pony tail smiled and said, “Alright then, let’s have a look.” So he stared out of the window and waited. Just before he turned the curtain back to its original spot, there it was, the miracle, or so I called it, the little flame of hope to tell me that I wasn’t crazy. Blue shirt, white car, ambulances in five minutes. Death.
He quit his job, and I decided to quit my job as well, here on earth. Fading away in a room of teenage-hood; thirteen year old ripeness of emo-angst and misunderstanding about the world.
That was when I thought it wasn’t me, having the ability, because it wasn’t my voice telling me, boy…shirt…white car…outside.
I decided to co-exist with her when I was sitting on the tile floor of my bedroom, holding a teddy bear and playing Enjoy The Silence, by Lacuna Coil. I played it over and over, until I got sick of which I never did, but my sister was out and my mother—was living in another place…that didn’t mean her cruelty didn’t set a cloud over the household I lived in, for she owned it, controlled it, even miles away.
I sat there with my stuffed animal, crying my little heart out when I did a silly little thing. I called out her name! What is it. She answered and this provided a glance into the future for me, the suicide that came at 14, the running away at 18, the coming back and suffering and trying to live as an adult, dropping out of high school—Evelyn, I asked her. Evelyn come out and help me survive, whoever you are. Whatever you are. Vampire. Wiccan. Green Eyes. White-Olive Skin. Round Cherub Cheeks. Button Nose. Come Out!
I am you. She answered, I’ll come out and play, if you want.
So then she created the true Courtney.
Evelyn is the incarnation of Courtney, and I am in the incarnation of she. Both of us, put in the same body.
